


The Christmas Surprise

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Brian's Angst, Christmas fic, Everyone Loves brian, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Make The Yultide Gay 2016, Secret Santa, group fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 01:36:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9267812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: It was almost Christmas time, only a couple of days were left to be marked on the calendar. The air smelled of snow, though it had yet to fall down and turn everything white and soft, a winter wonderland where sadness and loneliness couldn’t find a place in the first rows. Usually, their house would be filled up to the brink with Christmas tree in each and every room, even in the bathrooms; usually there would be lights everywhere, making the house visible even from the farthest corner of town, while music would kick silence out, filling the air with its joyful notes.Not that year.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for the Make The Yultide Gay Secret Santa and I was asked to write a group fic. Which is something that I don't normally write so I struggled a little to come up with the right idea.

The Christmas Surprise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It had always been Brian and Nick. Even with the other four, even if Nick couldn’t even start to imagine a life without loving those four people that fate, destiny and whoever was holding the reins of his life, had decided to send to him. But it had always been Brian and Nick.

Frick and Frack.

Brian had been Nick’s first in every possible and impossible way. If it hadn’t been for Brian, perhaps Nick wouldn’t even have been able to recognize those feelings and emotions that had started to make their way and that had made him look differently at Aj, first, then Howie and Kevin in the end. If it hadn’t been for Brian teaching him about love and how to love, Nick wasn’t sure if his life would’ve turned up that way, with four men that had managed to build his world and made life worth being lived and appreciated.

But Brian was different. Brian had been and was Nick’s, no matter if he had to divide his attentions with other three people. Brian was his, a fierce jealousy that would raise its head whenever it felt threatened; a possessiveness that would appear even during the most causal settings and situations; a thirst for attention that age, maturity and responsibilities hadn’t managed to soothe or calm down. Maybe the reason laid within the fact that their lives had been so intertwined together that it was now impossible to break and divide them; maybe the reason was that now that Nick had grown up, now that he was mature and somehow more responsible, now he could step up and balance a relationship that had always weighted on Brian’s shoulders. Or, maybe, it was because Brian was the only one who had the power to make Nick feel that way.

Useless. A small child, as if all those years had been banished and erased from memory and time.

It was almost Christmas time, only a couple of days were left to be marked on the calendar. The air smelled of snow, though it had yet to fall down and turn everything white and soft, a winter wonderland where sadness and loneliness couldn’t find a place in the first rows. Usually, their house would be filled up to the brink with Christmas tree in each and every room, even in the bathrooms; usually there would be lights everywhere, making the house visible even from the farthest corner of town, while music would kick silence out, filling the air with its joyful notes.

Not that year.

That year the house was still bare, except a failed attempt to decorate the outside with something that resembled the appearance of a Christmas tree; that years music hadn’t made its way through their days, except for all those recordings the group had been doing for the new album; that year there hadn’t been trays and trays of cookies waiting to cool down on the kitchen counters, not even a smack on the hands because Nick and Aj couldn’t wait to taste them even if they were still too hot to be eaten. That year things had been hectic, more than when they were busy with touring; there hadn’t been a moment of break but everyone had been waiting for those holidays, savoring the moments when they could lock the world outside and just enjoy being lovers, friends and a family.

But that had been only wishful thinking, since life had always such a nice way to appear out of nowhere and stir things up, complicate them just because it could. And Nick had actually believed that they could be happy, since things were finally going well.

Yep. Just a wishful thinking.

Nick and Aj were sitting at the kitchen table, a defying silence sitting in the room as if it was an actual being, a tangible yet invisible third person that wanted to know what was going to happen. Or what was going on. Truthfully, neither Nick nor Aj knew how to respond to that question, and that seemed to be a constant lately, though they had tried so hard to be part of it, they had tried not to be left out only because they were the younger ones. In the background they could hear Kevin talking on the phone but they weren’t able to make out the words, capturing some sort of key that would be able to unlock that mystery and let Christmas be alive once again.

Howie entered the room, a defeated look painted on his face as he walked over the sink and put down the dish he had been holding in his hands.

“He didn’t eat it then.” Aj didn’t even need to ask it, he stated it as a matter of fact.

“He said that it hurt too much to even swallow. Well, he tried to say it at least.”

“Well, then this is good, no? Yesterday he didn’t even want to look at the tray. Or at anyone who tried to cheer him up.”

Howie and Aj smiled weakly at Nick, as if they didn’t quite believe those words but didn’t want to shoot Nick’s hopes down. At least someone was trying to be optimistic and it shouldn’t surprise them that that role had fallen upon Nick’s shoulders, given how close he had been, and still was, to Brian: yet, sometimes it still hit them how things had changed, how those two were able to fill up the other’s absence as if their personalities had just meshed into one another, becoming a mix that was even more explosive. And more lovable, if that was even possible.

“Maybe Kevin will find out something from his doctor. Maybe we’re just worrying over nothing.”

It was natural. The worry. The over worrying. They kept saying that as if it could turn into an alibi and a justification, something that it could make that feeling, that obsessive feeling, a little less abnormal, a little less strange and consuming. It happened whenever Aj would hit a rough day, whenever he would be tempted to fall into his old bad habit and they would all try not to leave him alone when he wanted to go out; it happened with Nick, and how their hearts would always try to jump out of their skin whenever the phone would ring and the boy wasn’t there in the house with them.  So it was just natural that it would happen with Brian too, especially given that there was still a sense of guilt and regret sitting in a quiet and dark place inside their hearts: they had let him down once upon a time in the past, they had already turned their backs when other problems had seemed bigger and more important than a cold lasting for a little longer than usual. Not so little, after all. So it was pretty much natural, and instinctual, that they were now overreacting, over worrying about every small sign.

Or, at least, that was what they kept telling each other.

They just wanted to be safe. They just wanted to be sure that they were prepared this time, for it all had happened like a storm during the most sunny and hot summer: unannounced. Sudden. Without a warning. Things were going good. Great. Finally they had found a doctor that they all trusted and believed in, and it didn’t matter how long and difficult that search had been; finally Brian had seemed to be happier, less attached to that inner voice that pushed him to always be more than he could be at the moment and just enjoy being on stage and sing. Finally all of them had thought and started to believe that the worst had been over, pushed and kicked away so that it couldn’t come back never again.

How foolish they had been.

Foolish and stupid. Because one morning, right on the morning Brian had decided that Christmas had to start even in their house, he woke up without voice. Not even a soft, broken sound could be heard coming out of his lips.

And so Christmas had been stopped even before it could start.

And so Nick had started feeling useless again, not really knowing what he was supposed to do when it came to those situations: it wasn’t just the fact that he was struggling to find his role and place in that poly relationship, a sort of midway between having been the _baby_ of the group and now standing tall as a grown up man. It was more the fact that he had never been able to know what to do when it came to Brian, when it was the older needing something from him and not the other way around: he would always get scared, afraid of doing something wrong and proving that he was indeed unreliable and…

Useless.

Everyone knew what to do in case of emergencies. Brian’s emergencies: Howie took up the cleaning duties, mostly because he was the only one who shared the same level of insanity when it came to that stuff; Kevin took control and power of all the practical stuff as always, from calling and discussing with doctors to make sure that Brian took all his medicine no matter how much he cursed him. Silently, of course, but Nick always thought that the death stare gene must run in that family because both of them always looked scary when they were pissed off. Even Aj had found his role, which meant that he would go from trying to decorate the house, leaving the job half done when he realized that the result wasn’t the same, to cooking whatever he thought could turn into comfort food.

Except Nick. He kept feeling like he should do something too, just like Brian had done so many times when they were younger and he still got nostalgic and missed his messed up family. He just didn’t know what to do. And it sucked. It pissed Nick off because it had always been them since the beginning. Brian and Nick. Frick and Frack. And Nick didn’t want to be left out, he didn’t want to see his rightful place being stolen only because he still acted as that so much younger boy who ran away when things got difficult and harder than before.

In that moment, all Nick’s thoughts were interrupted by Kevin coming in the kitchen and sitting down next to him. Everyone stopped doing what they were doing, looking up and staring as if the man was holding some sort of precious and rare secret. In a way, he was. And Nick just hoped that they would be granted a little Christmas miracle that year.

“So?”

“What did she say?”

Both Howie and Aj didn’t even wait for their partner to speak up, or even let him take a glass of water while Nick just sat there, silently.

“Well. – Kevin started to say, placing the cell phone down on the table. – She obviously needs to come and check him but she thinks that it’s nothing that serious.”

“But he can’t talk. He’s been locked up in that room for days.” Nick objected.

“It’s just the flu, according to her. It happens even with us, no?”

“Yes, but...”

“That’s it. In normal circumstances, we don’t freak out if we can’t speak, unless we are in the middle of a tour and with a show every night. But normal, in Brian’s case, it’s freaking out because it already happened.”

Oh damn yes, Nick agreed silently. It had already happened in the past and it had almost forced Brian to leave the group, launching everyone in an over panicked status because they had thought that it meant leaving them too. Or, at least, Nick had believed it and that was partially the reason why he had been so freaked out up until that moment: he couldn’t bear the mere thought of having to convince Brian, or one of the others for that matter, to stay in that relationship, to stay with him even though he couldn’t be useful or didn’t know why one had to wash the whites separated from the colored ones.

“Well, that’s good news, no?” Aj asked, looking as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. From everyone’s shoulders, though Nick still felt like there had to be something he could do to comfort one of his partners. His partner in crime. The one he had always thought and believed he knew better than he knew himself.

Then why did he feel that useless?

Nick knew how Brian was going to feel once Kevin talked to him: guilty. Bad. Worse than before because he had overreacted over nothing in the end; because he had made everyone worry about him and because everyone had to do his duties. And Nick knew how Brian was going to balance that ball he had thrown in their lives. That was how much Nick knew Brian, more than he knew the other three guys, though he was learning.

The idea came up from nowhere, as if it had been in a dark and far corner of his mind and it was just waiting for the right moment to make its appearance. Maybe it wasn’t going to change anything, maybe they were just going to make a even bigger mess or set the house on fire, although Nick didn’t believe that Kevin was going to allow that. But it was more than what Nick had thought in the previous days and hours, not counting minutes and seconds. It was more than nothing.

It was perfect. It was the perfect idea, for Brian loved making surprises. Everyone knew that and everyone sitting in that very room had been blessed by one of them: that time when Brian had found out that Nick had never had a real Christmas tree, so he had brought him to choose and buy one; when Howie’s dad had died and they were scattered all over the world because his family hadn’t known about their relationship, so Brian had managed to have them go and be there for their partner the night before the funeral; every time Aj would decide to go into rehab, pushing them away because he didn’t want them to see him that weak and low but Brian always managed to turn everything all around just to prove him that he was wrong, so damn wrong. And, lastly, when Kevin had wanted to take a break from the group but hadn’t been able to say how much he had missed them. Yet, no one had ever thought about turning the cards around and do the same for their lover: they had never thought about it, truthfully, or they had probably guessed that Brian loved doing those kind of things but not receiving them, for it would imply not being in control and not knowing what was going to happen. But Nick knew, or at least guessed, that Brian would love something like that. As he was so used to say “ _something that basically tells you how much someone cares and loves you.”_

“Guys! – he exclaimed, sitting up so fast and with so much excitement that he indeed managed to make his chair fall down, causing Aj, Kevin and Howie to look at him weirdly. – I have an idea.”

“Why do I always feel a little bit afraid when you come up with ideas?” Howie asked, his eyebrows frowned skeptically.

“Because you always think it’s something dangerous. Which it’s not. Not ever.”

“That’s because the danger always revolves around one of us. Especially me.”

“Well… because you’re my favorite?” Nick attempted, scratching the back of his head because those words weren’t that far from the truth.

“Try your favorite victim.”

“Well, that too. – Nick admitted sheepishly. Howie was and would always be his favorite victim, mostly because it was hilarious the way he always reacted, cursing him, and Brian sometimes, with Spanish words that he didn’t even know if they existed. And it was really near to impossible waking him up and that made him the perfect victim ever. Though, sometimes, he actually liked being woken up by a mischievous…  -But, no. It’s not dangerous. I hope.”

“Let’s hear this idea, then.”

“I know how to bring back the Christmas spirit. And Brian.” Nick replied with a smile, not feeling useless anymore.

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

The door opened, letting inside a shade of light before closing and falling into darkness once again. Brian hid even more under the blanket, half of his soul wishing that whoever had just entered would go away and leave him alone and half wishing that he wouldn’t for silence had become too hard to stand. He was tired, or  better, exhausted from listening to that cruel, vicious and so loud voice inside his head, the one that kept repeating, over and over again, that his time as a singer had finally met its ending hour.

And what hurt the most was that a part of him, an illogical and irrational part of him, couldn’t help but believe those words. Although he knew that they weren’t real, that they couldn’t be real because hope was still lingering somewhere, kept alive by those four men that not only were and had been coworkers and colleagues for half of his life but they were the best part of him. They believed him, so why shouldn’t he do the same? Why shouldn’t he believe that it was just a cold, something that mundane and normal that wouldn’t leave any collateral effects like the last time? Except that last time hadn’t been because of the flu, that had been just the excuse and the alibi Brian had used because he had been terrified to acknowledge that something was definitely wrong with him and his voice. _“It’s just the flu. Damn flu.”_ He would say every time Nick, or Aj, or Howie would ask if something was wrong or if he needed to go to the doctor; he would just pretend not to see their eyes clouding with worry, concerned looks that would try to verify and attest if his words were true or if they needed to probe a little more and a little harder; he would repeat those words over the phone with Kevin, who was so damn sure that he was hiding something and didn’t let him get away that easily. And, in the end, it had been the older the first to know the truth, the one holding Brian while he admitted everything he had been through, every diagnosis and exams and it had been Kevin the one he had begged to fix it, to fix whatever was wrong with him because he didn’t want to let everyone down.

Which, in the end, Brian still ended up doing over and over again.

It was the flu, Brian knew that. As always Nick had gotten sick and, as always, he had passed his germs to him. Nothing to worry about, nothing that should be able to put him down like that. But it did anyway because Brian could deal with the cough, the fever and feeling like a truck had run him over at least twice, multiplied by infinite. But he could deal with it, since he had dealt with much worse in the past. And there wasn’t much going on, for their Christmas shows were almost over and they had been good. Not great, not amazing but good, which was more than he could have hoped for just a couple of months before. And maybe that had been the reason why it had hit him so bad, why he had refused to see everyone and just hid under the blankets: because things had been going well, he was finally able to see a flickering light at the end of that so damn long and dark tunnel, he was finally be able to picture a future where he wouldn’t feel that embarrassed every time and dread every shows.

Maybe Brian had been a little bit too hopeful.

It had been easy falling into that trap. It had been easy falling again in that dark pit, mostly because it wasn’t like he had made it that far away from it in the first place. But it took nothing, just waking up with his throat burning and no voice coming out from his lips, and all his good plans for the future had been shattered in a matter of seconds. In a blink of eye.

Literally.

One day fine, well, sort of. The next no more voice. Nothing. Not even a thin whisper.

Everyone had freaked out, that had been the worst thing. That had been the reason why Brian had preferred staying alone, hidden in one of the guest rooms claiming that he could infect someone, instead of being wrapped inside that bubble of comfort, reassurance and care. He hated it. Well, he didn’t actually hate that, although it was still a little hard to accept it and show his weakness, no matter how many years had passed and how much he had come to rely and hold on to those men; He hated more how it made him feel, like he should get up immediately and act as if nothing had happened or changed, as if he hadn’t been dreaded waking up because it meant that his voice was still out of service.

“Frick? Are you awake?”

Nick’s voice made it through Brian’s thoughts, as a weird noise echoed from outside. It sounded like something being broken, its crashing and shattering echoes should have worried Brian and, if he had to admit it, he was curious to know what was happening.

“I promise we are not tearing the house down.” Nick assured as Brian slowly turned around and sat up so he could look at that dark figure standing next to him.

A reply wanted to be spoken out loud, but Brian didn’t trust his voice yet, so he just raised a dubious and curios eyebrow.

“We are not. – Nick repeated, though another crashing sound ruined that reassurance. – Well, I’m not.” He added with a smile, that laughing smile that Brian had never been able to resist.

So he tried. To speak. He opened his mouth but only a trembling and coughing air managed to get past his lips. So he cleared his voice, discovering that it didn’t hurt that badly anymore.

“What’s going on?” In the end, his voice decided to prove that it was still there, coming out as if it had just wanted to play hide and seek just to realize, in the end, that no one else was playing that game with it. It was rough, wearing those stiff clothes that hadn’t been used in days but it was there. And both Brian and Nick couldn’t help but let out a relieved puff of air.

“Well… It’s… it’s nothing. I mean, it’s not nothing because obviously something is going on but… - Nick interrupted himself for a second, that speech he had made totally erased from his mind because, out of sudden, it appeared stupid. Childish. Yet it had managed to bring Brian back from that dark space he had been in, so he just had to keep going. - … just promise not to laugh at me, okay?”

“I’m starting to worry.” Brian said in a playful tone, his eyebrows raising even more with every crashing sound that kept coming from outside.

“It’s not that bad, I promise.”

“Now I’m seriously worried. When you promise something it always means that something has happened.”

“It hasn’t! I… - Nick stopped himself before promising once again. – I can tell you that it’s not bad. We just wanted to do something for you.”

“For me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Nick let out a soft laugh, sliding a little closer to Brian so that he could put an arm around Brian’s shoulders. “Because we happen to like you a lot. We love you a lot.”

“Oh so that’s why you kept me around all those years.”

“Of course.”

“I thought it was because I’m cheaper than a housekeeper.”

“That too. – Nick replied with a grin. – But, seriously. We wanted to cheer you up a little.”

Brian’s expression changed, going back to being serious while flames of his old spirit started to raise their heads: he didn’t need pity, He didn’t need special attentions just because he couldn’t be his normal self for a couple of days. “I...”

“Shut up a little, okay? – Nick asked in a softer tone. – You know how you always say that Christmas is about giving back, right?”

Brian nodded, still not really sure about where that talk was going but curios nevertheless. Especially because no noise could be heard coming from outside so that meant that, whatever those guys had planned and done, was ready. Or they had decided to quit, having finished everything that could be broken or shattered.

“So… the fact is that I kinda felt useless. And I wanted to do something, especially because you always seem to know exactly what we need to forget whatever trouble or problem we’re going through.”

“Nick, it’s not a competition you know?” Brian held out his hand, placing it upon Nick’s as a burst of love started to melt some of those icy fingers that had trapped his whole spirit during those previous days.

“I know. But you should know that I can’t stand watching you suffer. We can’t stand it, no matter how much you try to hide it from us.”

“It’s not really working anymore, is it?”

“No, sadly for you and luckily for us. – Nick replied, patting Brian’s hand and linking their fingers together. – We are four against one, you should know that it’s a lost fight.”

“I know. It’s just who I am.”

“And we love you. That’s why we all felt like doing something for you, something that could bring that smile back because it can’t be Christmas if you are sad.”

Maybe it was still the flu, or its remains, that made Brian’s eyes sting, tears fighting their way so that they would be the first to escape; or, maybe, it was just that subtle reassurance, that realization that even if he had shown his fragilities and weakness, those four men still wanted and loved him.

“It’s…” Brian started to say but, as always, his voice decided to break and fall victim to those damn muscles. Or, maybe, it was just a ball of emotions that wanted to go out as first.

“No, no. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I’m gonna call Kevin then!”

Tears turned into a wet and rough laughter, breaking that tension that had hung in the air until that moment. “I’m not crying.”

“You sure?” Nick asked, eyeing the older man carefully.

“Sure. – Brian reassured him, leaning closer so that he could be able to land a soft peck of lips on Nick’s cheek. – So… this surprise…”

“Well, you have to get up and come out of this room to find out what it is.”

And just like that, as if it had been just a small storm in the middle of a sunny and warm summer, Brian let himself be pushed on his feet and towards the door. There Nick stopped abruptly, turning around and looking at Brian seriously. “I think it’s better if you close your eyes.”

“So I won’t see all the mess you guys have done?”

“They did. I was with you, wasn’t I?”

“But it’s your idea so you’re partly responsible.”

“Wait. – Nick admitted, raising his index. – I have to tell you something. It wasn’t my idea.”

Another wet laughter filled the atmosphere, reassuring Nick that, for the first time, one of his ideas hadn’t turned out to be just plain stupid. “I’ll close my eyes.”

Brian felt like a little boy, anticipation and curiosity filling his veins with a surge of energy and vitality that he had missed. No one had ever made him a surprise, something planned and created just for him and just so that he could feel better. Be better. Be happier because yes, things had been rocky and rough, but he still had the four most amazing people around him and it was Christmas, his favorite holiday although that year had been difficult to bring his spirit alive.

Surprised gasps painted the silence around the couple, emptiness was finally kicked away as hands joined the one Nick was still holding while he kept pushing Brian forward; love wrapped its blanket around Brian’s shoulders as a particular and special smell gave the first clue about that surprise. Then, suddenly, familiar notes caressed his ears, reassuring and warmth voices started to sing about how merry and joyful was that peculiar moment of the year.

“You can now open your eyes.”

And Brian did. Brian opened them and found himself staring at the most beautiful Christmas tree he had ever seen: tall and mighty, the golden star at the top shining as a lighthouse in the middle of the darkest hour of the night; his favorite decorations, the ones he had bought all over the world through the years, were hanging perfectly from each green branch. Some were missing, though, hence all those crashing sounds that he had heard before. But it didn’t matter because decorations could be bought again and again while that gesture, that loving and caring gesture, was rare. Precious. Unique.

Special.

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know if he could say something, even the smallest thanks, because his voice was astonished too, speechless in front of that amount of love and affection.

“Kevin, he’s doing again. He’s crying. Do something!” Nick’s voice broke the silence and, almost immediately, Brian found himself being engulfed inside Kevin’s bear hug.

“Guys… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Howie replied, placing a soft and warm hand on Brian’s back.

“It’s amazing.”

“Only the best for you, B.” Aj added, a butterfly kiss landing on the top of Brian’s head.

“It’s the best surprise ever. Thank you so much.” It wasn’t just the best surprise. It was more than that, it was that fresh breeze able to blow the clouds away so that they wouldn’t hurt him anymore.

It was, without a doubt, a perfect Christmas.

         


End file.
